The EU referendum is drawing near, and naturally both the leave and remain campaigns are stepping up. It’s always been an issue trying to get chav mums and the youth to engage in politics, so how do we get them onboard for this huge vote? Don’t worry. Bpop live have it covered!
Or at least they did. Boasting an ultra relevant collection of chart-topping acts ranging from Alesha Dixon, Five and East 17, their goal is to convince the “music loving” population to ditch the EU. Imagine the world with more brilliant UK acts like…Alesha Dixon and Five.
In events seemingly lifted from The Thick Of It, it turns out none of the performers had actually been told that the event was in effect a rally to convince people to ditch the EU. Which kind of begs the question, why these artists. When I initially saw the god awful line-up, I naturally assumed the lack of talent was down to the difficulty of finding artists that would publicly back the Brexit campaign. If these were the organizer’s first choice then that really is concerning. I mean Five don’t even have five members anymore – false advertising?
As quickly as Alesha Dixon and Five were added to the lineup, they withdrew. So how do we fix this omnishambles of a campaign?
Don’t worry Brexit, we’ve got this!
First up, we need to get some real celebs on board. Not a set of acts that wouldn’t look out-of-place on The Big Reunion. As a general rule, if you can book them for less than £250 to appear at your nightclub, they probably aren’t relevant…
Our first recruit is Noel Gallagher. The NME will go wild for every comment he makes regarding the Brexit, thus keeping those all important column inches rolling with it. Tell the world that Blur are voting remain and suddenly you’ve got a battle that will actually appear to people. Blur may have won the Battle Of Britpop, but Oasis could potentially win the battle of Bpop live…surely that’s more important?
Following on from that we recruit Cheryl “whatever she’s calling herself today” Tweedy. No stranger to a bit of xenophobia, Cheryl would bring the ass vote. 1997 may have had Blair’s babes, but we’ll have T&A. So who’s the tits you ask? Only the biggest pair around… Boris Johnson and Michael Gove. Boom! Political satire!
Craig David could rewrite ‘7 days’ to reflect the Brexit views too “Paid £50 million in membership on Monday, Did the same again on Tuesday, writing more checks on Wednesday, and on Thursday and Friday and Saturday, please quit by Sunday”.
National treasure Cliff Richard could *checks paper*, stay out of harms way I guess. Meanwhile, Jools Holland will claim that the only reason he walks backwards so much is due to EU laws.
Then the sabotage campaign begins…
We recruit the finest collection of idiots possible to vote for the remaining campaign. Dappy from N-Dubz, Tulisa from N-Dubz, the other bloke from N-Dubz... and Coldplay. We might lose the soundtrack to our montage moments, but it’s worth it not to hear him rant on about Norwegian trade agreements.
Or, and this is a big one, we could just stop patronizing young voters. Stop assuming we have absolutely no idea about politics, that we’re all sheep who will vote for the shiniest option. Yes there’s some silly young people who would likely vote for the cast of Geordie Shore to run the country if they could, but are they really as big a worry as the huge numbers of xenophobic, bigoted casual racists who seem to populate much of middle England.
Give the youth a chance, we might just surprise you. Or you, know. Just treat us like idiots…
If you aren’t already registered to vote in the EU referendum, you can register here.
