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Our Indie Editor Is Pissed At Jaden Smith For Sampling Pink Floyd – This Is What He Wants To Do To Him!

Our Indie Editor is furious with Jaden Smith over his Pink Floyd sampling antics. Here’s how he would like to punish him!

Jaden Smith

Source: Promo

How very dare Jaden Smith even contemplate spitting his 6th form beats over the timeless Pink Floyd track ‘Breath’. Even if it was a talented rapper like Jay-Z (he’s talented… right?), I would still kick the Z man in the balls and sterilize him…just to limit the offspring that can make this bad decision again.

Listening to the track is the aural equivalent of  making bareback love to Courtney Love, Ke$ha and a common street whore. I wouldn’t advise it for your own wellbeing. This is the sounds of a pubescent shithead with too much power dropping words about being hungry (piss off mate! Your dad is Will Smith!) in a voice that sounds like a year nine french class. To put it simply, it’s apparent his balls have only just dropped.

Now corporal punishment was banned a long time ago. but what if we brought it back, just this once. I mean let’s face it, getting daddy Smith to send him to his high-tech room in their mansion isn’t going to solve the situation.

Here’s a list of ways to eradicate this little shit stain. Who knows he might not even release any more movies!

Source: Screenshot Of Titles – Fresh Prince Of Bel Air

1. You’re Moving With Your Auntie And Uncle In Bel Air!

Maybe we should just take a page out of Daddy Smith’s book. This is a simple plan where I kidnap Jaden and relocate him to his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air…assuming he has relatives in that district. If not then I will lock him in the mausoleum of a local cemetery and force him to listen to the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air theme tune on repeat for the next three months. With next to no food (that way he can actually rap about being hungry) and sharing his space with a talking cookie jar for company, Jaden will be forced to learn every word to the iconic theme song, only being freed when he can repeat the whole version without error. This is a story about how Jaden’s life got twist turned upside down…

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Source: Promo

2. The Syd Barrett Method

This next method is a bit more extreme, but a whole lot more fun! The Syd Barrett Method is my newly patented system of punishment, named after Floyd’s founding member. For those not up on their music history, Barrett was the principal songwriter of Pink Floyd’s debut album Piper At The Gates Of Dawn before taking so much acid he had a mental breakdown, becoming a recluse for over 30 years until his death in 2006.

Now the method is pretty simple (and illegal). I grab Jaden Smith (by the throat is advised) and force feed him a barrel of pharmaceutical strength LSD. As well as spilling the beans about wetting the bed and incestuous urges, he’ll also believe eating his own fecal matter gives him the power to control the universe and that the key to fame is murdering Katie Hopkins in cold blood (winning!).

To further implement this method I will play ‘Alan’s Psychedelic Breakfast’  on loop while Jeremy Clarkson visits every day on his pogo stick to teach him naughty nursery rhymes. All this will be broadcast pay per view on your Sky/Virgin box with proceeds going to the newly founded Jaden Smith academy, which funds educational classes that teaches children not to release music until they are at least 75% through puberty.

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