We had a friend tell us the other day that ‘The Hangover: Part Three’ was one of the worst films he had ever seen. Now being the learned scholars that we are at HTF, we were a little bit taken aback. Surely it can’t be worse than the apocolyptic kung fu stylings of ‘Fist of the North Star’ or the ultimate swag of ‘Dolomite’. Perhaps he had never heard of these. So here to educate and entertain is Hit The Floor’s top ten list of films so bad, they’re good. We urge you to go and see all of these immediately.
10. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009) – Jack Perez 2.6/10
“Now if we don’t find the bible means of stopping this fucker, sharkzilla is gonna own the seas.“
We start off with a film from our favourite production company, The Asylum. Creators of such masterful mockbusters as ‘Transmorphers’ (not ‘Transformers’), ‘Alien vs Hunter’ (not ‘Alien vs Predator’), and ‘The Day the Earth Stopped’ (not ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’). By far, Asylum’s most popular film is ‘Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus’, the great beasty B-Movie with some of the most entertaining CGI effects man has ever seen. Made by people that know as much about prehistoric animals as they do about the laws of physics, and including a scene where a shark jumps into the sky and bites a plane, ‘Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus’ happily takes it’s place on our list.
9. Fatal Deviation (1998) – Shay Casserley, Simon Linschield 4.4/10
“You made me look bad. And that’s not good.“
Ireland’s premiere kung fu film. That’s probably enough of a description right there. James Bennet plays Jimmy Bennet (we’re not sure if that’s lazy naming or he actually plays himself) who must learn must learn the ancient art of Irish kung fu from Celtic Gandalf in order to defeat Boyzone member Mikey Graham in his caravan of evil. We’re not making this up. This is genuinely the story line to the film with the worst title in history. There is also a motorcycle chase and a woman.
8. Cool As Ice (1991) – David Kellogg 2.4/10
“Drop that zero and get with the hero!“
Who knows what the producers of ‘Cool as Ice’ were thinking when they thought it would be a good idea to get Vanilla Ice, everyone’s favourite homeboy, to have the staring role in a movie. Directed by David Kellogg, whose prior experience in directing was entirely Play Boy videos, this modern take on classic ‘The Wild One’ is amazingly dated. Probably even more so than the 1953 original. The reason it makes our list (apart from all the random dancing) is the fact that it had Janusz Kaminski as director of photography. His amazing talent for imagery not only made ‘Cool as Ice’ have some of the most beautiful shots on film, but landed Kaminski his next job as DOP on ‘Schindler’s List’ and every other Steven Speilberg film that followed.
7. Deadfall (1993) – Christopher Coppola 3.6/10
“You filthy, double crossing, little fucking filthy, double crossing, filthy, fucking goddamn fucking filthy little RAT!“
When Nicolas Coppola decided to go into acting, he didn’t want to be forever in the shadow of his famous uncle, the amazing Francis Ford Coppola. And so it was that Nicolas Cage was born. His brother on the other hand felt differently, and after blagging his way into directing, and working with all the panache and grace of a man on fire, Christopher Coppola released his epic ‘Deadfall’. If you’ve ever seen the internet sensation ‘Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit’ then you will have seen half of this film already. Possibly the most insane film ever created, ‘Deadfall’ stars both Nicolas “Crackpot” Cage and Charlie “Bi-Winning” Sheen as well as a man that has a steam powered arm for some reason. A fast paced, paranoid crime thriller that culminates in the big reveal that Cage is in fact wearing a wig, as it gets melodramatically torn off his head in the final fight.
6. The Happening (2008) – M. Night Shyamalan 5.1/10
“Why are you eyeing my lemon drink?“
The confused face of Mark “Marky Mark” Walhburg says it all. WTF! From acting to story to direction to character, this film has it all…missing. We don’t know how but he’s done it but once again, M. Night Shyamalan has enticed Hollywood actors to star in his terrible films. Walhberg is joined by Zoey Deschanel as they try and escape from, wait for it, THE AIR!. Plants are releasing spores which cause humans to kill themselves. Obviously the best plan would be to leave heavily urbanised New York and run away to the countryside where there are no plants at all, wait a minute! Couple this with some terrible acting and a adrenaline fueled scene where our heroes try and run away from the wind, and you’ve got some quality viewing. And of course, there is a twist at the end.
5. Troll 2 (1990) – Claudio Fragasso 2.5/10
“They’re eating her… and then they’re going to eat me… OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!“
First off, ‘Troll 2’ has no trolls in it. It has goblins instead, and they all live in the small rural town of Nilbog. The sharp eyed reader will see the correlation but if you don’t the film ends with this mother of all reveals. What ever you do don’t go on holiday there, because the local townsfolk like to sacrifice visitors to their goblin gods. Luckily, one little boy’s badass grandpa comes back from the dead and blasts them all away with a 12 bore, and they all lived happily ever after. Apart from the old man who returns to hell. And the boy’s family that were all eaten by goblins, leaving him an orphan. And one guy that was turned into a tree. And everyone that lives in the town is now dead. Yay!
4. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010) – James Nguyen 1.9/10
“We must act more like astronauts, spacemen taking care of Spaceship Earth.“
Birdemic is the quasi eco-friendly film designed to stop people destroying the planet because otherwise it will turn into some weird version of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ on acid. Directed by James Nguyen, the film spends more time as an extended advertisement for his asian fusion restaurant than it does as an “avant-guard romance thriller” as the back of the DVD case puts it. Then suddenly the worst CGI birds start dive bombing and literally exploding into fireballs. And if you were ever wondering what the best weapon would be to fend off crazy kamikaze birds; It’s a coat hanger.
3. Vampire’s Kiss (1988) – Robert Bierman 5.5/10
“I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!“
The second of our Nick Cage films and the other half of ‘Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit’. ‘Vampire’s kiss’ is about a publishing agent in New York with a horrendous accent, Peter loew, played by Cage. Because of the immense amount of stress put on him by his superiors and his inept staff, he has a complete and utter mental break down and believes he’s turned into a vampire. The problem with this film is that as an audience, we don’t go on the journey with Cage. We stand at the sidelines and watch him act like a complete and utter nut job for no apparent reason. After raping and murdering some people, all in the name of vampirism of course, Loew goes to see his psychiatrist. That’s what he’s doing in his head anyway. In reality he’s literally talking to a brick wall. Both a poignant metaphor and Cage’s best acting to date.
2. Samurai Cop (1989) – Amir Shervan 4.4/10
“I will bring you his head and place it on your piano“
The film with the best facial expressions and worst acting ever. ‘Samurai Cop’ stars everyone’s favourite B-movie kind-of-good-at-karate bloke Robert Z’Dar as evil nemesis to the samurai cop, Joe Marshall. Marshall is brought in to foil the plans of the L.A Yakuza as only a samurai can. Given a stereotypical black guy as a partner, he sets off to save the day and seduce the women, with surprising effect. Every female character in this film gets naked. Every one. The film is also a pretty big advertisement for continuity. People get shot and then miraculously heal themselves. Cars explode and then are fine again. Matt Hannon, who plays samurai cop Joe Marshall, even has a hair cut halfway through the film and wears a bad wig for the rest of it. Being evidently obvious as it gets yank off by an extra during a fight and quickly shoved back on.
1. The Room (2003) – Tommy Wiseau 3.3/10
“It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did naaaaat. Oh hi, Mark.“
‘The Room’, so called because it’s set mainly in a room, was written, produced, directed, and stars frankenstein look-a-like and rumored mobster Tommy Wiseau. Tommy appeared on the scene out of nowhere and produced the movie with money out of his own pocket, further establishing the myth that he was laundering mafia money. As the saying goes, there’s a first time for everything, but you probably shouldn’t try everything first at once. As Tommy shows so graciously in the debut to end all debuts, or careers. Everything with this film is bad, but the worst is the writing, which makes for some of the most repeatable quotes in movie history. When we we’re searching for a line to head this film, we were spoiled for choice. “I got the results of the test back – I definitely have breast cancer.” coming in a close second. This film must be watched if only to learn the underground movie buff language of saying ‘The Room’ quotes to one another.
