Those crazy fools in Fearless Vampire Killers have given Hit The Floor exclusive access to all the intimate details of their current UK tour with William Control. Drummer Luke Illingworth will be filling us in on all the highs, lows and damn right strange so sit back, relax, grab a cuppa and enjoy! It’s gonna get a bit mental!
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We left at 11.06 am sharp, with Frappuccino’s in hand, E.L.O turned up to 11, and like a Black Templar Biker Chaplain on heat we stormed towards Cardiff. First off we stopped at Wembley Drum Centre to get me a stupidly large bass drum hard case. The stop was fairly uneventful save the van door attacking Kier, though he dealt with it well, calling the inanimate slab of metal ‘a fucking dick’ and punching it with all the balls of neutered kitten.
We stopped at a service station ( I don’t know where, as I slept for the majority of the journey) for 1’s and 2’s and we saw a guy wing walking, which is when someone stands on top of an aeroplane but I was a bit worried as the plane was all over the place. Perhaps he would crash into me, and if I were to die like that I’d prefer to be drunk. Which I wasn’t.
Back on the road again, obviously I had fallen asleep but I was woken up by the sound of Drew and Barrone having ‘who can hold the longest note in the world competition?’ which Barrone won. We were going over a massive bridge. I think it’s the one the turns England into Wales.
We arrive at the venue and have to lug our gear up 3 flights of stairs in one of the hottest places I’ve been to EVER, but we soldiered on like heroes of might and magic. Once we were set up we went outside to spoke to a few fans which is always a pleasure. Sometimes too much of a pleasure.
The gig was like a big sweaty catastrophe. That’s all I remember.
For the journey back we had 1 of 2 ways to go, one was the motorway where we get as close to the next venue as we could or, we could take the “scenic route” and go and kip in the mountains brekon beacons. We unanimously went for the latter, but little did we know what was in store for us. I woke up woke up in the middle of nowhere by a flashing blue light in my face, it was The Pigs. Apparently the ridge we had parked up on, was a notorious illegal immigrant drop off point and we were prime suspects. They were even talking about having to seize our van! But thankfully it turns out a little success does help with police situations and they let us off scot free after we showed them our picture in Kerrang! Despite the fact that our van was filled with various weapons (Nerf guns and wooden swords) and a selection of Drugs (antihistamines and neurofen). But it was hard to prove us anything other than a struggling rock band after the boss copper opened our back door only to have a box of our debut album ‘Militia of the Lost’ fall out into his big baldy bonce. Needless to say we had the last laugh.
We awoke to sound of motorbike engines and the smell of swine, and when we opened our side door we realised where we were, we were at this huge massive freaking hill/mountain which we all decided to climb (easy). 3 out of 5 of us made it to the summit Me (Luke) Drew and Kier while Barrone and Laurence protected us from some pissed off sheep a few feet below. There was only one thing we could do whilst on top of the mountain, which was get naked (obviously) and Kier stepped up and showed the whole of Wales his junk, objective complete!!! There was just one question we need answer, how do we get down? There were a few rocks that we could use as stairs but one of the rocks was loose and Kier “accidentally” sent it plummeting down the hill where it split in half and gained more momentum and bounce. It hurtled down this hill like a son of a bitch towards Barrone and Drew (could this be the end of the Timids) I was laughing manically and Kier almost shat himself……………….But thankfully, it missed them by mere inches.
Everyone alive and fed, we headed to Birmingham. When we got there we were greeted by about 8 or 9 fans who had been there from 8am! They acted as our tour guides for the day, but I was there for one thing and one thing only, the Jelly Bean Bull, which we found easily and he was just as glorious as I remembered. The sight of all those Jelly Beans made us hungry, Burger King Ho!!! When did it get so expensive? Barrone was charged £32,851.02 for an ice cream, but he said it was worth every penny as it was the iceiest, creamiest ice cream he’s ever had.
Show time!! With a bottle of Captain Morgan’s spiced in us we hit the stage and we bloody loved every minute of it although again it was a sweaty catastrophe.
That night I snored the loudest I’d ever snored and kept the guys awake. Mwa ha ha!