Valentines, Valentines, Valentines. Will it just fuck off for 5 minutes to give us single people a chance? Of course not! Instead Valentines is like the obnoxious prick at the party, rubbing your nose in his fortune while you gag and wonder where the nearest bottle of value vodka is to drown your sorrows in.
Perhaps i’m just bitter, having pretty much always been single on Valentines Day, or most days for that matter. However I know I’m not the only one who despises this smug bitch of a holiday, and with the below top 10 i shall set my agenda for the ultimate anti-valentines day.
10: You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
The sound of a million love letters being torn up at once or just the sound of some cheating bloke about to be castrated DIY style? Whatever this song represents it’s the total opposite of lovey dovey cuteness. Because let’s face it, nothing says that being single is great more than a song that reminds you what a slut your ex was behind your back…
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: “It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced. Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?”
9: I Don’t Love Anyone – Belle And Sebastian
So now all the anger is out your system we’re ready for the stage where you grab a full box of chocolates (which are always helpfully on sale around this time of year) and in my case a shedload of milkshake and try and comfort your broken heart with a coronary heart attack worth of sugar; your getting over her, you really are. What i recommend for this stage is chucking on a bit of sarcastic twee pop from Belle and Sebastian. Totally hard selling the single life with angelic melody, those sly gits!
Best Anti Valentines Lyric: No, I don’t love anyone, Maybe my sister, Maybe my baby brother too, yeah, I don’t love anyone
8: White Wedding – Billy Idol
Because nothing says Anti-Love than a song called White Wedding… Well listen to the lyrics “There’s nothing pure in this world, There’s nothing safe in this world”, plus there’s the brilliantly agressive vocal delivery and stabbings of guitar. If M&S did shotgun weddings….
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: Hey little sister shot gun!
7: Like A Friend – Pulp
The masters of the pervy pop song’s finest moment perhaps? Starting all slow before going into full Disco 2000 stomp the music alone will get you out of your chocoloate infested bed and to your nearest indie nightclub. Then there’s Jarvis’s elequent lyrics like “You are the last drink I never should have drunk. You are the body hidden in the trunk”. Has there ever been a better song about staying friends with the woman who so crushingly put you in the friendzone?
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: You take up my time like some cheap magazine. When I could have been learning something well, you know what I mean.
6: It’s Yer Money I’m After Baby – The Wonder Stuff
Well, you’ve languised in singleton grief for long enough already, go out and get some. But your afraid of getting hurt again right? Well son, give this song a listen for the ultimate in “up yours” love. I have friends who pretty much live by this song as a mantra, so get to a club, chat someone up and get yourself a bunch of free drinks, have your way and run!
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: Heaven’s above, no I’m not in love, it’s just yer money I’m after baby.
5: Spiritualized – Broken Heart
So the Wonder Stuff’s plan didn’t work, the elephant is still in the room. Well let’s indulge ourselves in the gloom of single life once more. With strings that will break your heart alone, this is perhaps one of the best heartbreak songs ever. But take the lyrics to heart. “But i’m too busy to be heartbroken”. I’m not suggesting you take up a daft hobbie to distract yourself, although that replica scale model of the deathstar isn’t going to build itself…
Best Anti Valentines Lyric: And I’m wasted all the time , I’ve gotta drink you right off of my mind , I’ve been told that this will heal given time .Lord I have a broken heart.
4: The Immigrant Song – Led Zeppelin
Any excuse to get the Led out. Nothing says love more than a song about vikings, raping and pillaging all they see. This song is literally 5 tons of masculinity wrapped around the booming shell of Bonham’s pounding drums. Plus you can’t have romantic sex in time to Led Zeppelin. In fact I challenge you to try and thrust in time to Zeppelin beat, go on you wimp, what are you waiting for!
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: Aaaaaaaahh Ahhhh…No seriously!
3: Cut Your Hair – Pavement
Everyone does that sub-concious change when they go back into the dating world, changing your wardrobe or you know, getting a pretty nice haircut. However those kings of timely advice Pavement say NO!. It’s not going to make your ex change her mind and probably (unless it really is a pretty nice haircut) going to help your pulling chances. Follow Pavement’s sound advice and say no to haircuts, and seemingly yes to recording amazing albums while off your tits on drugs, in retrospect ignore Pavement’s advice.
Best Anti Valentine’s Lyric: Darlin’ don’t you go and cut your hair, do you think it’s gonna make him change?
“i’m just a boy with a new haircut” and that’s a pretty nice haircut
2: Suede – Animal Nitrate
An ode to animalistic sex, oh Brett Anderson, you do know how to woo don’t you. Fueled by poppers and cocaine this song is literally oozing with glamour and dirt consecutively. It takes that boring suburban essence of taking the missus for a pint at the local and turns it into a tribal orgy. A box of Milk Tray and a dozen roses would have done the trick Brett!
Best Anti-Valentines Lyric: Oh what turns you on, on, on, now your animal’s gone?
1. Bitter Sweet Symphony – The Verve
It had to be didn’t it? We coulda chucked The Smiths in there but frankly it’s so cliche nowadays. No, what sums up the screw love attitude is a swaggering Richard Ashcroft smashing into strangers while singing “Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life”. The song is literally so downtrodden you wonder how it can sound so gorgeous. It’s because single life is actually pretty gorgeous most of the time. No worrying about diets, what you wear, no equal control of the tv, no clingyness. I propose we take this ultimate fuck you to the world and make it the official anthem for singleton life Who else is in?