It’s the new year, and that can only mean one thing. The football transfer window is open yet again. For the majority of football fans, it starts with optimism only to collapse on deadline day as you cry into your tea wondering why you spent 10 hours watching Sky Sports News to see your club sign pretty much no one.
We reckon we might have the answer. Let’s just expand the window to other professions! Specifically music (we are a music site after all!). Imagine all those bands who could gain a little bit of pep by signing a frontman who actually had some charisma, or would actually talk to them offstage.
HTF have written up just a few of the many possibilities that would be available if music had its own transfer window.
Dave Grohl To U2
Fee: Unlimited Fresh Pots and John Bonham’s Old Drumsticks
It was going to happen eventually. The Edge and the other two blokes get bored with their self-righteous frontman and decide it’s time to shake things up. But who to get in to replace a tyrannical Irishman?
After failed negotiations with Ed Sheeran, who refused to sign unless they obtained him a Nando’s platinum card, it only seemed right to try to tap up the nicest guy in Rock.
Negotiations were long and drawn out, with Grohl struggling to see the plus points in leaving the Foo Fighters to join a bunch of straight edge Irishmen.
In the end, a deal was struck after Grohl was granted a Tassimo coffee machine and a pair of John Bonham’s drumsticks. Grohl told our transfer deadline reporter that “U2 have always been a band I’ve admired, but I always felt that there was something missing. Turns out that something was me snarling through hard rock versions of ‘One’, ‘With Or Without You’ and ‘Beautiful Day’!”
Bono To Westlife
Fee: 1Million (Euros Into The Dutch National Bank… for administrative reasons…)
There’s always a chain reaction of transfers on deadline day, and this one is no different!
Whatever happened to Westlife? Well, Bono found out when he bumped into Mark Feehily serving burgers out of his van.
After a long chat over a Guinness and a potato burger, Bono finally agreed to sign up to front a reunited Westlife. Manager Louie Walsh said in a statement “Finally, we’ve found the twat to replace Brian McFadden!”. Bono also posted a statement we, unfortunately, cannot reprint it as there isn’t enough storage space on the internet to contain his speech.
There were rumours that Boyzone would sabotage the deal at the last-minute, and Bono was even pictured in negotiations with Ronan and co. But after the money was paid into the correct bank account, Bono agreed to go with Westlife pretty quickly.
Shane MacGowan To The Libertines
Fee: 5 Packets of Denture Glue and A Bag of Cheap Whizz
After a promising start to their reunion, The Libertines found themselves without Pete Doherty following his sacking after breaking into Carl’s house and painting a mural of Kate Moss in cat blood while high on bath salts. Fortunately for Carl Barat, MacGowan happened to be a free agent after announcing that The Pogues were over.
Negotiations lasted into the early hours of the morning during a lock in at The Good Mixer in Camden. Finally, a deal was struck after a trip to Boots to buy some denture glue for MacGowan. “Finally, I can eat me a Fecking steak!” slurred MacGowan as he barrelled out onto the street to greet our reporters.
Harry Styles To Kiss
Fee: 20 Kiss Kondoms and A Lifetime Subscription To Sugarmammas.com
With One Direction on “hiatus,” the path was finally clear for Gene Simmons to lure in his new prodigy. Simmons told us exclusively:
“He’s a boy after my own heart really and we saw all the foundations were there to incorporate him into the Kiss brand. While he has a little catching up to reach my 2000 women total, he’s already making great groundwork in the womanizing stakes. I can’t wait to teach him my patented tongue techniques that will go down a treat with the soccer mums of America!”
Simmons carried on to talk about Style’s marketing potential, telling us that “I’ve already sent the prototypes for several Harry Kiss products to our workhouse in China. With their tea breaks cut, we should hopefully see such highlights as the Harry Kiss Bullet Vibrator, The Harry Kiss Tampon and The Harry Kiss Sex Doll all hitting stores within the next 4 working days”
Pope Francis To All Saints
Fee: A New Church Roof
All Saints 2016 comeback wasn’t even their biggest surprise from this month, let alone this year. Realizing after the critical and commercial flop that was 2006’s Studio 1 that they needed to pull out all stops, they decided to rack up the column inches by becoming actual saints.
Fortunately for them, Pope Francis had been eyeing up his next move following his foray into rock music last year. After attending 5 sessions of mass, Pope Francis finally agreed to join the group, using his signing fee to pay for repairs to the village church in Ownby-By-Spittle.
Addressing claims that the canonization of All Saints belittled the Christian faith, Pope Francis said: “Nicole alone has conducted a miracle alone in remaining with Liam Gallagher for 16 years. Anyway, aren’t you being rather fucking pedantic? It’s not like any of this bullshit religion is true!”